Looks like Bridgestone Hired a College Freshman from 2001
Say this tire from Bridgestone out loud: Blizzak tires. It’s like they’re saying black in goofy white person ebonics. When I heard it on TV when I wasn’t paying attention I thought it was a joke.
Un-science Service Announcement
Cold weather sucks ass, but the cold itself doesn’t cause sickness. You get sick more often in the winter because you’re inside more and breathing re-circulated air*. You’re spending more time closer to other people who are exhaling diseased air vapor out their mouths. So when someone tells you to get out of the cold and come inside because you’ll get sick, don’t believe them. They’re telling you to come into a smog of disease.
*And if you’re cool like me, making out with the ladies#.
#Lady* in the singular.
*She’s not really into kissing.
Moses Was Trippin’ Balls and That Makes Him Cooler
After reading a Cracked list*, it lead me to the theory that Moses may have been on mushrooms when he “got” the ten commandments. This makes a lot of sense to me. Lots and lots of religious groups use psychoactive drugs in their religious ceremonies. They get the participants closer to God. As a man of science, I don’t interpret things that way, but I could be wrong. I’ve experimented in the past, and I get why the stuff you see and think could easily be interpreted that way. I just thought it was cool, but it definitely opened my mind to the reality that I don’t know everything.
*I can’t believe one of my favorite websites is from the second-best pre-pubescent humor magazine I read as a kid.
No Surprise Here
Warren G. Harding was a member of the KKK. Woodrow Wilson wrote that the KKK was a savior of the Southern part of our country. Meanwhile, LBJ, a bigot, and Nixon, an ass-hole, were probably the two most pro-active presidents in civil rights. And the first gay president*, Gerald Ford, was a Republican!
*A friend of mine swears on it. Ford’s dead, so I guess I gotta believe the friend.
Furries Take China!
I know I’ve said a lot of negative things about furries in the past, but apparently it has real-world applications.
Blood Libel? Who Taught Her That Phrase?
After this and especially this it doesn’t even seem worth it to write about Sarah Palin. She’s gone beyond being a joke and entered tragedy mode. The tragedy is, she’s pregnant with my friend Scott’s baby right now.
Don Blankenship Is a Very Rich Murderer
One can only hope this ass smoker dies alone of penis cancer… at an old age. He is a murderer. If corporations are considered people, then why can’t they be tried for murder?
Phew. Glad The Braves Didn’t Pick This Guy Up Mid-Season Like I’d Hoped
I love it when baseball and politics collide. No surprise it’s coming from a dumb, loud mouth white guy. I knew something had been missing from my baseball since Curt Schilling retired. Not to re-hash old things, but Obama was born in the United States. John McCain was not. Also, I seem to remember Republicans saying a few years ago they should get rid of that rule for Arnold Schwarzenegger. Obviously this is not about where Obama was born – it’s about painting him as an outsider – and as black as possible.
MacGyver Will Kick Your Ass. No, Not Really. He’d Sit You Down and Talk About It
Was watching MacGruber* and couldn’t stop thinking about Richard Dean Anderson. It
lead me to this:
“A PERSONAL MESSAGE FROM RICHARD[Dean Anderson]:
It was brought to my attention that fans of Stargate, more specifically, Jack O’Neill, were shelling out good money for bad forgeries. The fact that fans were being duped pi**ed me off to no end! … What you receive from Paul will have been signed by ME (my name is Richard Dean Anderson!) My arrangement with Legends … deposits ALL monies collected into the hands of several charitable organizations I have supported over the decades. Those of you who know me, will know my intentions and most likely, for those who have followed closely, my motivation. In anticipation of your involvement with Legends, please accept my heart-felt thanks. Also, I can only promise to try and improve my handwriting. Currently, it sucks! I will work on legibility first with signature styles…then content.
More life to you all!!”
Khloe Kardashian, You’re Why the Rich Should Be Sterilized
This is not rape. I’m sick of people using the term outside of its correct context. To use it in any other context is to devalue its actual use, and that’s wrong. Khloe Kardashian is an idiot. At most, this is assault. More appropriately, it’s a fucking physical. The people looking at the X-rays and doing the pat downs are no more likely to be getting pleasure out of it than your doctor. More importantly, why does anyone give a FLYING FUCK what this woman thinks about anything? Literally, she is famous because she is the sister of someone who fucked a D-list celebrity on video and released it. She’s the less attractive sister of a bad porn star.
FoxNews: Like the Jon Lovitz Character Who Yelled “ACTING” But With
Come on. You’re not even trying anymore.
Image: Lovitz with the caption “Topical.”
Scientists Aren’t Republicans. Maybe That’s Because Republicans Hate Science
In other news, most firemen aren’t arsonists* and most exterminators aren’t termites. The right is far more vocal of their attack on scientific principles than the left – global warming, evolution, etc. If I were a professional scientist I certainly wouldn’t support candidates that support a party that doesn’t support the facts I rely on. If I were a scientist I’d be figuring out how to make a sex whistle. That’s like a dog whistle that makes women horny. Put a patent on it. Done!
*Scott Glenn in Backdraft excluded.
His Name Is Skeet. Do You Know What That Means?
Skeet Ulrich is named after an ineffective form of birth control. Guess we know how your parents came up with your name… no pun intended.
You Do What With Balloons? And It Does What To You?
Apparently there’s a market for “balloon porn”. I’m not providing a link. If you want to look it up it’s a free country. This is one of the most fascinating of weird fetishes. It seems like a joke, but if it turns you on go for it I guess. It certainly seems harmless. The images are funny, but don’t border on creepy. It’s hilarious because the women are doing things like putting two big balloons up their shirts and acting like their boobs are bigger. I mean, this is something I did when I was 10. It was hilarious then and hilarious now.
Cupcakes Are Not Entertaining! They’re Just Little Cakes!
There is a show called Cupcake Wars. CUPCAKE WARS! Let’s dissect the name. Cupcake is not a metaphor – the people who are on this show make cupcakes. Wars is a (misplaced) metaphor. They’re not actually at war. A war over cupcakes would be the most tragic thing ever. Even getting upset over cupcakes seems pretty tragic. Wasting a half hour of your life watching an over-dramatized show about cupcakes? Also tragic. There are two shows about stores that make cakes on television. TWO SHOWS. Clearly, there are too many TV channels with too much time to fill.
Did I Mention Fox News Is Horrible?
FoxNews lost journalistic credibility a long time ago. Let’s keep piling it on though. If this were the sixties this anchor would be asking why she couldn’t say n****r. Lady, you’re hardly a journalist. You work for Fox News, so you’re a political commentator. If one group is offended by something and another group doesn’t really care either way, then where is the dilemma here? Why not just use the word that isn’t offensive? If a minority group prefers to be called something they find un-offensive, then what’s the problem? Is the problem that the majority enjoys using the offensive term? That they enjoy making fun of the minority? Maybe it’s because by making fun of the minority they dehumanize* them a little so it’s easier to take advantage of them. You are an ass-hole, Megyn Kelly. Fuck you.
*What do you think of when I say “alien”? Right. Little green men. Not human.
Doctor Phil, I’m So Mad I’m Going to Spend 740 Words On You
Doctor Phil is a flim-flam man. He’s not a licensed doctor, so I don’t know why he’s allowed to call himself one. He speaks in seemingly thoughtful but ultimately empty jargon and platitudes and he makes millions off it. Oh, and he’s an abusive, predatory scum bag. The following quotes are all stupid, but whether they’re right or not isn’t the point. Most of them could be considered positive, but that’s not why he says them. He’s not giving good advice – he’s saying things that sound good for the camera.
Failure is no accident.
This is… wrong. Most people do not intentionally – either consciously or subconsciously – set out to fail. Sometimes it’s by planning or executing things unavoidably wrong. Sometimes it’s actually an accident. Lots of things happen because of accidents for the exact same reasons. He might as well say “There are no accidents.” Actually, that sounds like something he’d say…
Anger is nothing more than an outward expression of hurt, fear and frustration.
You could either say this is flat-out untrue or a pointless exercise in talking. Take your pick. Either way, it’s obvious he’s saying anger is a bad thing. Being the focus of anger is a social consequence of being an ass-hole and breaking norms. Conversely, it’s a way for us to enforce those norms. For example, if I ended up on Mr. Phil’s show I would be angry at him because he’s an opportunistic predatory ass-hole.
Life is a marathon, it’s not a sprint.
Time is relative. Shut the fuck up, Phil.
Awareness without action is worthless.
Sometimes you make the right decision, sometimes you make the decision right.
Ahhhh sound bites. Full of air and mustache hair.
The most you get is what you ask for.
Unless you’re raised rich and you get everything handed to you. And if you ask for too much, then you run the risk of not getting anything.
A man can’t ‘just be friends’ with another woman. Period.
Maybe Phil is a sex-crazed psychopath who can’t interact with women without controlling himself, but I am. I think/hope most other men are, too.
No dog ever peed on a moving car.
I had a dog. Took it in my car once on a long trip. It peed in the car. Moving car. Dog peed on it. I have no idea what the context is of this quote, but I doubt it made much sense.
Sometimes you just got to give yourself what you wish someone else would give you.
Shutup, Phil; my body doesn’t bend that way. Usually you need/want things from other people because you can’t give it to yourself. So what’s he talking about? When you want somebody to buy you a new TV but they don’t, so you buy one for yourself instead? Awesome advice.
Opinions are like asses, everybody’s got one!
Not a Phil original, but it’s appropriate. It’s usually said when you’re trying to make a blanket disqualification of differing opinions to your own. Generally used when you’re wrong.
Are you doing what you’re doing today because you want to do it, or because it’s what you were doing yesterday?
No, you’re doing what you’re doing because everyone can’t do what everyone wants to do. It’s a loaded question that sounds great but isn’t in practice. No one wants to make minimum wage at Taco Bell, but America needs its chalupas. He’s trying to say that if something’s wrong you need to change it, but it’s a typical American Dream fallacy that if you switch things up they’ll be better. Trust me – McDonald’s is no better than Taco Bell.
You cannot be who and what you are unless you have a lifestyle, both internally and externally, that is designed to support that definition of self.
That is a definition disguised as wisdom. “Who you are” is defined as your “lifestyle, both internally and externally”. So all he’s doing is defining self without advice or analysis. It doesn’t help. But it sounds good! What a dick.
You’re only lonely if you’re not there for you.
Lunacy. I know his audience is made up of people who are mostly home alone during the day – and probably surrounded by cats – but being lonely is one of those healthy emotions. If you don’t have anyone to support you, you’re in bad shape. We’re a social species. You’re a sociopath, Mr. McGraw, so you should know that.