Infotainment 2011: An Old Beginning

Madonna’s back and harsh realities abound. Infotainment comes back after a 7.5 year breather. Twitter upsets, Kim Kardashian perplexes, and Jessica Simpson inspires. Welcome back, Infotainment! America’s missed you!

America’s Sweetheart Kim Kardashian apparently planned a sham wedding to Kris Humphries, a professional basketball player, without him knowing it was all a show. I don’t have all that much to say about this, but you should know by now you don’t marry the stripper, Kris. If you had some better role models you’d know that. It used to be guys like Wilt Chamberlain would just sleep with porn stars for fun and go on to make tons of money writing books about it*. My how things have changed.

*Or get AIDS and a late-night talk show. Whatever.

We're just as surprised you're still alive, Magic... and, somehow, fatter.

Prince William got married too! The pomp and fuss around this wedding may have even been bigger than the Kardashian one. But did they deserve it? At least Kim did something – fucked on camera – to get rich and famous. This Prince William did nothing but be born to a family that serves no productive function. Good for him! That’s the American dream.

Kate Gosselin ran a marathon in Vegas. This is the news on CNN.

Twilight: Breaking Dawn Part II won the box office last week. The final Harry Potter came out this past summer, so I guess I’ll need a new young adult fiction story to follow. They’re pretty similar movies. Both put teenagers in extremely dangerous situations, the outcomes of which have world-changing ramifications. This once again proves things that happen in High School are the most important, dramatic moments of your life. Either that or movie execs realize older folks have more exciting things to do* than sit through a two or three hour long movie – so they pander to children.

*Easier to get your hands on booze for starters.

Jessica Simpson is pregnant. Good career move!

Middle Age is so Gross

How come no one's enforcing the good American law that female celebrities be euthanized before they hit 50? What's that you say? She moved to England? Clever girl...

Madonna is headlining the Super Bowl show this year. Awesome. Can we start talking about how she’s older now and less attractive than she was at 25 again?

Amanda Knox got a book deal with the same agent who repped noted Muslim extremist and US President Barack Obama. Good for her too! I’m still waiting for her Maxim spread with Casey Anthony though.

I know I’ve got an Info-tainment rule about old news, but why’d Michael Jackson have to die? That guy was the gift that kept on giving. And why are his kids white? Suspicious. Someone should make them famous so they eventually write a book that explains things.

What the hell is this twitter everyone’s talking about? All this instant gratification and instant commentary is exhausting to this gossip hound. You should have to wait until the next day – nay, for next week’s column – to hear insightful, witty opinions on the week’s goings-on. I should write a letter to the editor complaining about this and mail it out first class delivery, post haste! What? The postal service is stopping guaranteed next day delivery too? Why can’t everything be the same as it was before?

USPS Socialists

I didn't want Obama's socialist Muslim postal system reading my mail anyway.

The Real Housewives. The only thing real about these shows is the painful reality that we live in a culture that worships them. Shame on you, America. Shame.

Apparently Miss USA was arrested for drunk driving. But that’s not the news! She’s Muslim, too! Did anyone bother to check this before they gave her that crown? Christ. First a Muslim president, now this. Next thing you know the winner of American Idol will be a Muslim. Then we’re in real trouble.

It’s been another crazy week in the Infotainment news room. Don’t get overwhelmed by all the glitz and glamour though. Keep your head down and your eyes on the stars, and you’ll be doing just fine!

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2 Responses to Infotainment 2011: An Old Beginning

  1. Matt Rob says:

    Oh my word, Infotainment is back? You must be getting BORED on your paternity leave. ITEM!

    There is a huge social issue at play in disgust at Madonna — that women can’t be stars, and most certainly not sex symbols, once they are past 35 unless they become the ‘mother/ grandmother’ character. But regardless of her age, this is one of those stories that journalists get to do every year. It is essentially just a MadLibs template. Every year there is hubbub about who is picked to perform at halftime, and every year IT DOESN’T REMOTELY MATTER because the story is always the same*. It will be some famous singer who plays five of their greatest hits in between commercials. And then back to the four-and-a-half hour game.

    *Other than Prince. That dude was awesome.

  2. I can’t believe I missed this. Too bad your circulation is slightly down from the last Infotainment installment.

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